I will not be broken

I haven't blogged in a while because I've been dealing with some emotions that I wasn't quite sure how to place and until I could fully vet them out, I felt no desire to do or write about much running.  I purposely don't blog about too many personal issues for the simple fact I don't like feeling "exposed" when you have no idea who may stumble across this page, but also, the internet is not necessarily where you want to air your dirty laundry. At this point  I think part of me needs to 'express myself' so I can fully move on, so in some small way this is my therapy vs providing interesting material for you to read. If you're expecting rainbows and butterflies, come back a different day

I'm 29 and haven't experienced fully a "real" relationship. I've dated plenty, but there has always been some flaw that either prevents me from committing completely, or the other side of the coin, they end things with me unexpectedly. It's a running joke with my married friends that they love to live vicariously through me as I'm their only single friend. Although I know their intentions are "you're so lucky, you  have the freedom to do what you want and you have so many adventures" eventually it wears on you because maybe I want someone I can share my adventures with? Maybe I'm tired of being the 3rd wheel, giving others advice on their relationship, and convincing myself it will happen to me 'when I least expect it'? Here's a thought that no one wants to talk about: Maybe it won't happen. What if you already met the one you're supposed to be with, but he or she screwed it up and that door is closed? What IF you just never find someone who can make you happy and you do the same for them?

I never gave much thought to those questions, assuming it would happen in the elusive "a few years" until I hit 25. I was at my now sister-in-law's bachelorette party in August of '09 and as the beer and liquor were flowing, everyone started gushing about their own relationships and how they couldn't wait to get married so on and so forth.

 

I remember being on the party bus starting to tear up because here my brother was about to get married in a few months, I was surrounded by ladies who were all either married or in serious relationships, and I had no one. (it should be noted that I was in a low point in my life with other aspects, so the relationship status affected me more than it should) My cousins, trying to be helpful, started filling my head with the promises that online dating could bring and began to share the success stories of friends they knew who went that route. 

I joined match.com with no clue what I was really looking for, just with the hopes that the "emptiness" I was feeling could somehow be filled (note: NEVER join a dating site to try to fill a void)  Eventually I did meet someone, Mark, whom I fell for surprisingly quickly and he, the same. To spare the details of the whole progression of the relationship, I will keep it simple and say he was just about to meet the family at my brother's surprise 30th birthday + he asked the big question about my thoughts in moving down to Atlanta with him for a job (he knew I was unhappy with work and looking for something different) In making plans on how this would 'pan out' he just up and cut off all contact- didn't show up for our plans we had scheduled 2 days after that last phone call, turned off his phone, deleted me from facebook- just gone without a warning or explanation.

Aside from humiliation, he BROKE me. I cried for days then eventually went numb and completely shut down. I quit my job and shortly after was kicked out of my apartment (I lived with co-workers and since I no longer worked there I wasn't allowed to live there). I was fortunate that one of my gfs allowed me to live with her for a few months in her 1 bedroom apartment otherwise I would have no where else to go since I knew very few people in Louisville. I never got my closure or over him completely.

Eventually I moved to Nashville and started a new life. One night while out I saw someone that looked like him, and when I got home I drunkily found him on facebook and sent him a message. To my dismay I woke up the next day with a 2 page letter from him explaining his actions along with a fun fact that he too had moved to Nashville. Needing my closure, I agreed to meet up and somehow got trapped in his web of lies and started dating again. Would you believe the same exact thing happened and he disappeared AGAIN?!? This time I was more pissed than hurt and I can say its been one of the defining moments that has since hardened me and caused me to not be able to trust fully and open up to men. What's hilarious is since this happened, he has tried to outreach me twice more (facebook and linkedin) and I finally had to just tell him to leave me alone a few months ago.

I proceeded to have 2 more failed and upsetting relationships that year and that is when I made the realization that I couldn't successfully date until I was happy with my life and got to the point where I felt that I didn't need a guy, that my life had purpose without relying on starting a family. This is actually one of the reasons I started my 50 state quests- to find myself and be comfortable in my own skin.

Now, 3 years later, I'm happy with my life- I have a good job, great family, built up a support system finally in Nashville, and have seen and experienced a lot in my running quest. As my journey was winding down, I decided to give internet dating another real try. I went into the process knowing it wasn't a big deal if I didn't find someone because I didn't need any void filled, however it would be nice now that I have more free time to have someone to spend it with. I went on quite a few dates keeping it light knowing that I had enough sense to pick out when I found the right person.

Finally I went on a date with Lee and everything was different- for the first time in years I found someone who I was 100% comfortable with being myself around, whom I fully enjoyed his company, and I had zero doubts that he would fit in with the family. The topper is I felt 'safe' with him and there was never any trust issues. I saw real potential for what could be and I told him right off the bat that I had no intentions of being intimate with anyone until I was officially in a relationship with them and I felt like I was ready-- going to be honest here, this is not the usual approach a 29 year old would take, however learning from my past mistakes I needed a new approach to protect myself. As time went on and we got to know one another, I was beginning to feel like this was something special and worth the wait (like back in the old days on how it used to be)

2 saturdays ago was a BIG day for us. We had tickets to a beer fest, followed by his work Christmas party (cocktail attire) and since the party was down the road from my place it would be the first time he was staying the night after several of months of dating. We talked like adults about the next step in our relationship and how even though he was staying the night, no pressure or expectations on what would happen.

We went to the beer fest, had a fabulous time, and after a few hours I went from feeling good and in control to blackout drunk without warning. I got sick at the restaurant and all over his car as he was taking me home. There are bits I don't remember but he basically dropped me off at my place angry with me, he left, and neither made it to his work party. The next day he called and said we were done because I broke his trust in the ability to make sound decisions and that I ruined what was supposed to be a special day. To dig salt in the wound he was upset that I had posted the below photo on facebook because he felt that was me admitting that nothing was wrong and I was completely disregarding the outcome of the day. In my mind I was trying to be positive because the day started out great and I wanted to remember the good, not the bad.

To say I was completely blown away by his unexpected change of heart would be an understatement. I hadn't felt this betrayed since Mark, and what made me upset is that he used the reasoning that I 'broke his trust' by drinking too much as the event that destroyed us (complete malarchy) when in fact he broke my trust and failed me as even just a friend by dropping me off when I was sick and not staying to make sure I was okay. It's ironic that one of the traits I loved about him was that I felt safe, however his actions that night proved opposite. 

I wasn't sure if I was going to write this in my post since I haven't told my mom yet, think I just need to come out and say it so I can get over it-- Sunday I was lethargic, upset, achy, zombie like that I just chalked it up to potentially being hung over combined with a broken heart. Monday nothing changed so I went to doctor thinking I may be sick since there was a bug going around the office-- between blood and urine tests they found traces of the flu and rohypnol in my system. As crazy as it sounds, part of me was relieved because my onset of blacking out and getting sick made sense, but on the other hand, I felt violated and vulnerable... yet pissed that one simple action somebody carelessly chose to do had such a negative impact on my life. 

I've been struggling. I've been so stressed out about this situation that I've vomitted countless times due to my stomach being in knots. I eat once a day because I have no appetite and I managed to lose 6lbs last week. I keep reminding myself of the downwhirl spiral I took with Mark and how I can't let that happen again, but each day is a constant struggle to stay positive. I continually playback in my head how things could be different if only ______________.  This weekend I hit a breaking point. I had a friend ask if I wanted to join an event downtown where thousands dress up like santa (or some type of Christmas character) and travel in herds to the bars for games and cheap beer. I went to the store to buy an outfit and then once purchased I chickened out because I was too scared to be around large groups of people all drinking when I had no desire to be in the situation I was in the week prior. I was letting my fear prohibit me from going out and enjoying what would have surely been a good time.  

I think my roommate had been catching on that I wasn't doing well and has been making it a point to check in on me when she doesn't stay the night- God Bless her. I've been trying hard to occupy my time with friends and activities because I refuse to let Lee break me the way Mark did. I'm in a funk right now since I have one state left. A huge chapter in my life is coming to a close and I don't have direction on what to do next, so I'm already in a vulnerable state about that. After having a very therapeutic conversation with my dad last night I'm feeling like maybe things will start to swing up? I am facing my fears today and will have my first drop of alcohol again at another beer fest, I'd be lying if I didn't say I was nervous, but I can't let my fears prevent me from missing out on experiences with friends. 

I know life will go on, he's just a silly boy, it gives you experience etc, however even my dad pointed out that I've had a LOT of experiences over the years. There isn't much that I haven't been through when it comes to men and I am now back full circle asking myself "what if it doesn't happen?"  For years I've told myself the reason I've been in all these messed up situations that leave me dumbfounded is because the person I'm supposed to be with I would normally pass up, but due to being 'damaged goods' I can now fully appreciate the potential my person has to offer. That notion of positivity has officially reached its expiration date. For the time being I'm done searching and cupid is going to have to bang down my door and throw someone at me full force before I get on the relationship train again. 

So today is the first day I can officially pick up the pieces and move on. No more tears shed, no more sulking, and instead, more living. This is a one time, get of my chest post so I can close this chapter and finally begin to enjoy the holidays